So was it Salad or Chocolate ?
Posted by: lilyunplugged on: September 17, 2008
Well it was a bit of a happy day that went slowly if that makes any sense whatsoever. In regards to the salad and the chocolate lets just say I thought about more chocolate than salad but dedicated more time to the salad. I am not sure why my mind wanders to the forbidden but the more I reflect the more I think it has to do with my self esteem.
This week a person I hardly know spoke to me one on one, she said that I am smart, attractive and have the world in front of me. I just wanted to cry then and there, because those thoughts are possibly the furthest things from any of my thoughts. I cannot stand the way I look, think I am dumb and although the world is in front of me I feel I will never be as good as person “enter any name here” will be. I suppose this is part of my journey is growing to accept who I am and hopefully begin to like that person. It is funny this person asked me who had made me feel so bad about myself? I am going to reflect on this because I dont think it is anyone in particular but just a negative pattern of thinking I have fallen into. In regards to my partner I think the biggest barrier to us is the fact that I dont feel worthy of love. I also think that has a lot to do with what I was doing trying to jeopordise the relationship, it reinforced the type of person I think I am.
So the journey has begun to try and find me…. I think I will continue with my salad and chocolate metaphor for a while as it really sits with my thinking right now. Except I think the salad for the time being will not be my partner but be myself. I am going to try and focus on me for a little while.
Yeah yeah but what about my goals for the day : Here we go:
- Eat well just for today DONE *** And can I say the best part of the day was the missing guilt I usually have with my meals.
- When it all seems too much tonight drag yourself out and get walking NOT DONE I am doing something else tonight I am unpplugging from technology and going to read a book.
- By the end of today have 3 things that you enjoyed DONE ***
Today I enjoyed:
1) Work – I had fun and laughed even though I wasn’t productive
2) Dinner with partner – Just chilling
3) Those random conversations with random people who are so much fun
- By today have 2 things you want to improve DONE ***
1) Listen more and reflect before talking
2) Grow that short fuse I have…. I do not need to yell, use my catastrophe scale
- Focus on the salad in your life not the chocolate down the street DONE***
I think I have achieved this because although my mind wandered to the chocolate I focussed on the salad.
And right now I am doing something very un lily like I am going to unplug for the evening.
Night
Focus on the Salad in life not the Chocolate
Posted by: lilyunplugged on: September 16, 2008
- In: Thoughts
- 2 Comments
Well Life does always seem a little less daunting after a few hours sleep. I tried the “Can I work from home ?” trick this morning but alas it did not work well but 9 out of 10 times isn’t bad.
Today my main goal is to focus on my partner and work and try not to be distracted to the dark side. It is very funny how we are attracted to things that we know are totally wrong for us sometimes and the right thing is under your nose and you just cannot stomach it at this moment. It is a bit like salad I know it is the right thing to eat, it is fresh, healthy, nutritious yet I still want choclate even though it is not what I need.
So fingers crossed today is more a salad day than a chocolate day. I will be honest I am sick of thinking about chocolate and have noticed how I am now talking in riddles so will sign off this mornign with the following goals:
- Eat well just for today
- When it all seems too much tonight drag yourself out and get walking
- By the end of today have 3 things that you enjoyed
- By today have 2 things you want to improve
- Focus on the salad in your life not the chocolate down the street
Well we will see how we go …… Wish me luck
Image from http://www.flickr.com/photos/rabi/2769395554/
Well here I am ….
Posted by: lilyunplugged on: September 16, 2008
So I have branched out and gotten myself a blog. Why you may ask? Especially seeing I have given nobody the link to it…..
Over the past 7 weeks the following has occurred in my life:
- Met an amazing person and began to have some of the best learning discussions of my life
- Slept with person and began to get entangled emotionally and physically in a manic state for three weeks whereby all sense of right/wrong, lies/truth ceased to exist. During this three weeks I ignored all work, almost destroyed my current relationship and turned back the clock where I was that person I swore I would never be again.
- Due to guilt I told the truth to my partner and we separated
- Amazing person became less amazing once his partner returned and I was left a little lost.
- Started to wonder if I was in the right job, became disengaged and rude.
- Less amazing person got caught by partner and decided to make my life miserable by asking me to lie then hating me when I decided not to.
- World War 3 began where hatred and revenge was the only winner. The scorned woman drove me mad and made me realise that karma is real because once upon a time I played her games and others were victims to my venom.
- Realised that Dorothy really was right when she said “There’s no place like home” and asked my wonderful partner to come home.
- Still seemed to obssess over previously mentioned person which shitted me to tears because he resembles everything that is wrong for me and doesn’t think much of me regardless after my behavour
- Left all of this with no self esteem but some great friends
- Started to try and get fit in attempt to find myself
- Started a blog to try and reflect on this growth process
So that’s the last 7 weeks in an extremely abridged version and why I am starting a blog to try and piece back my existence and find who I am. I have some wonderful people and a wonderful partner to help along the way but really this time it is just me that needs to do it.
So where does that leave today? Well today I resisted the urge to obsess over what might have been both personally and professionally. I focused on what I have. I currently have:
- An amazing partner who puts up with my madness, who I love deeply and trust implicitly and explicitly.
- Fantastic pets
- A great job with a boss who has tirelessly put up with my manic 7 weeks
- Fantastic friends
- A house
- Financial stability
- A direction right now that can only go up
I focussed on these things whilst going for my walk/jog, at the moment it is more of a walk but hey I will get there. It is funny 2 weeks ago my only motivation was revenge for the hurt this woman put me through but now that has vanished to where my motivation is just me. Hence the start of this blog.
If anyone does come across my thoughts say hello !
Lily
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